Baby clash: understanding and overcoming it

The phenomenon of baby clash is a period of crisis experienced by young parents after giving birth. It refers to the appearance of tensions and conflicts within a couple of young parents in the months following the birth of your baby. Unlike the baby blues which concerns mothers, the baby clash impacts the parents and can even lead to their separation.

A survey on the consequences of the arrival of a baby within a couple, carried out by the Elabe Institute, shows that 66% of mothers have experienced a baby clash. It is estimated that 20 to 25% of couples separate or divorce during the first months of the child's life (1).

Becoming a parent is no easy task for a couple... But how do you get out of a baby clash ? How long does it last? How do you get through relationship difficulties? We explain everything in this article!

When does the baby clash happen and why?

Parenthood brings a lot of emotional upheavals and can turn into a complicated passage in a romantic relationship after giving birth. Between fatigue, lack of sleep, stress, exhaustion and lack of time, hormonal drop, taking care of your couple becomes a tough test! Very often, disagreements and arguments between partners arise following decisions and choices made about parenthood:

  • Physical and mental fatigue : between difficult nights and the crying of the baby, young parents suffer from fatigue. This is added to the drop in hormones and the fatigue due to childbirth (and even more in the case of complications or a cesarean section) for the young mother. Fatigue inevitably influences our mood and our patience;
  • Different experiences and expectations : Education and expectations are unique to each person. This is why the way of raising a child can be a source of disagreement between parents. Their experiences are rarely the same which leads to divergences. This is particularly the case for the arrival of a first child where one discovers for the first time one's role as mother and one's role as father;
  • Lack of communication : If communication is broken, silent or inadequate, this contributes to reinforcing conflicts in a couple and can generate a lot of tension in the couple;
  • New priorities : If before the priorities concerned the spouse, the arrival of your child often makes the couple take second place. And it is quite normal to take care of a baby! The couple can however suffer from these changes and cause friction and aggravate the couple's problems;
  • Division of tasks : Disagreements between partners can be linked to a poor division of daily tasks. One of the parents makes more effort which can cause problems within the couple!
  • Mental load : An absent partner or one who does not help enough in carrying out all the daily tasks then causes a heavy mental load for the mother. The latter, in the middle of postpartum, can feel intense emotions contributing to the emergence of disagreements with the father;
  • Exclusion of the father : Sometimes the relationship between the mother and her newborn excludes the father, leading to jealousy (or perhaps the opposite). The mother who carried the baby for 9 months may be very or even too protective and thus not trust her partner;
  • Stress Management : Sensitivity to stress and the resulting reactions are diverse and varied during motherhood after the birth of a child. It is common for conflict to arise if one of the spouses does not know how to manage it.

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How long does the baby clash last?

Frequently occurring during the first child, tensions related to baby clashes can last from a few weeks to several months. However, each couple is unique and there is no pre-established duration or time limit for baby clashes .

How to avoid or get out of a baby clash?

Here are 7 tips for overcoming a relationship crisis:

  • Communicate : It cannot be said enough, communication in a couple is essential, especially after the arrival of a child. Talk to your partner so that there are no unsaid things or misunderstandings. Openness and respect will help maintain balance in your relationship and avoid arguments and misunderstandings;
  • Find agreements : Having a plan for sharing responsibilities can be a way to avoid potential conflicts. Find times when each parent can rest and relax while the other is taking care of the baby. Parenting is a journey that needs to be experienced together!
  • Mutual understanding : Listening and showing empathy to your partner are essential tools for defusing potential conflicts. Understanding your partner's different point of view can help you understand the origin of the tension and thus avoid it in the future;
  • Take time/recharge your batteries : Take time for yourself and step back and distance yourself from the situation. This crisis is temporary so be patient before speaking at the risk of making the situation worse. Think about it calmly to find harmony as a couple;
  • Spending time together : Essential in a couple, time between partners should not always be put on the back burner. Plan outings together and take the time to get together. Complicity and seduction are key elements in maintaining a fulfilling romantic relationship and marital harmony. Don't hesitate to ask for support and help from your loved ones: grandparents, friends, brothers/sisters, etc.;
  • Sexuality : Sexual relations in a couple's life can be impacted by the arrival of a child. It is then essential in this case to find time to maintain intimacy and a sexual life within the couple despite the constraints of parenthood. Be careful, sexuality must be practiced without constraint and must not become an obligation;
  • Consult a professional to resolve your marital problems : There is no shame in seeking professional help to overcome a crisis, on the contrary! A marriage counselor, a specialized psychologist or couples therapy will be able to offer you a space for discussion and support you in overcoming conflicts.

The baby clash is neither inevitable nor a shame for couples but rather a passing crisis, not obligatory, and surmountable. The relationship of a couple requires constant investment! Maintaining the flame, cultivating complicity and taking the time to be together are essential elements to get through difficult times and maintain a harmonious relationship.

Do not hesitate to turn, you and your spouse, to professionals specialized in marital crisis/couple difficulties such as a couples therapist, psychologist or sexologist who will be able to guide you and free your speech. They will be able to provide you with support and advice to improve your life as a couple.

(1) Book The baby clash, the couple facing the child, Dr Bernard Geberowicz and Colette Barroux

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